Uncle Sam (born July 4, 1776) is the national personification of the United States, an economic and cultural imperialist, the mascot of the New York Yankees, frequent used car salesman, and a dick.
From the very moment Uncle Sam was born, he immediately began insisting that everybody else live exactly like him – speak his language, wear his style of clothing, listen to his music, eat his mass-produced fast food products. He’s a dick in the same way as your pretentious friend who demands that you listen to Radiohead, watch The Wire, and eat organic food because all those things are “sooooo amaaaaaazing.” The big difference is that your pretentious friend won’t launch precision air strikes on your apartment or incinerate your entire city with a nuclear bomb if you don’t like the new Jim Jarmusch movie.
The bastard son of several European fathers, Uncle Sam was born in Philadelphia on July 4, 1776, though he would not assume his elderly anthropomorphized form until 1852. As the embodiment of the United States, Uncle Sam had a rough childhood at the hands of a domineering mother, Great Britain, an astounding dick in her own right. Sam was forced to do demeaning chores such as grow fields of wheat, corn, and tobacco and chop down miles of timber, all for his mother’s benefit. This dysfunctional mother/son relationship has been celebrated in many classic films, most notably Alfred Hitchcock’s, Psycho.
Like most toddlers just learning to speak, most of what came out of little Sam’s mouth were dick-ish demands like “I want lower taxes” and “I want representation” and “I want all this land.” If he didn’t get what he wanted, Sam would throw a tantrum and do things like dump all his mother’s tea in Boston Harbor or intentionally give Indian tribes blankets infested with smallpox.
After a bitter squabble lasting eight years, Uncle Sam was finally emancipated from his mother and allowed to live on his own even though he wasn’t quite ready to take care of himself.
As with all teenagers, Uncle Sam made some poor choices. Unfortunately, instead getting caught with beer or accidentally knocking up his girlfriend, Sam’s missteps involved enslaving millions of black Africans, brutally forcing them to work on his plantations, and treating them like animals. The word “dick” doesn’t even really cover it, although “bag of dicks” comes a little closer.
As Sam matured, he finally started to realize the error of his ways, but also realized that he had become accustomed to constant free labor. Much as young, horny dicks often put off breaking up with their crazy girlfriends because of the hot porno-style sex, Sam just couldn’t bring himself to dump his slave states, settling for abolishing slavery only in his Northern states. In keeping with the crazy girlfriend analogy, it was only a matter of time before the Southern states freaked out and set fire to all Sam’s clothes on the front lawn.
Bored of the Eastern seaboard, and not yet tied down by a wife or kids, Uncle Sam headed west on a road trip of North America. As he moved west, Sam ran into thousands of so-called “native” Americans, all of whom claimed he was trespassing on sacred land that had belonged to their people for hundreds of years, blah blah blah. Sam responded by using his thundersticks to dickishly murder most of them, take their land for himself, and force the survivors to live on small parcels of dusty land nobody else wanted. For the hell of it, he also killed most their buffalo, turning them into burgers and cool jackets.
On his westward journey, Sam collected all sorts of awesome souvenirs like Florida, Texas, California, the Louisiana Territory, and the Oregon Territory. He also laid down a bunch of railroad track so he could continue to haul more and more souvenirs back to his new home in Washington, D.C.
On again, off again, on forever
As predicted, Uncle Sam’s issues with his crazy girlfriend eventually flared up and the Southern slave states officially broke up with Sam in 1860. Uncle Sam refused to accept the breakup and threatened his exes with violence if they didn’t come back where they belonged. Calling Sam’s bluff, the South attacked at Fort Sumter in 1861, starting a 5 year domestic dispute, much like a drunken redneck couple having a trailer park fight on COPS.
Sam’s brute strength and short temper proved to be too powerful for the Southern states to fend off, and after he taught them what happens when they get out of line, the couple got back together with a shotgun wedding at Appomattox Court House in 1865. At the reception, when the Southern bride was asked why she had a hundred mile-wide bruise near Atlanta, Sam dickishly glared at her and she timidly answered “I fell down the stairs.”
Sam settles down and gets a factory job
Newly married and in need of cash, Uncle Sam decided there was more money in industrial work than there was in farming, so he got in the business of manufacturing steel beams, canned food, and those crazy old-timey phonographs you had to turn with a crank. Sam’s business acumen would inspire other dicks for decades to come: He invited millions of starving immigrants from other countries to come work in poor conditions for little pay. With the unwashed masses toiling away at his sweatshops, Uncle Sam experienced a never before seen period of economic growth, and like a true dick, he made sure to flaunt his newfound wealth by purchasing flashy material goods, like imported suits, large estates, Alaska and Hawaii.
Mid-life crisis I & II
Not such a young spring chicken anymore, Uncle Sam clung to his fading youth by abandoning his policy of isolationism and joining in a World War to prove how virile he still was. After winning the war, Sam continued acting out, carousing around town every night in his Model T, listening to jazz music on the radio, and banging flappers at speakeasies.
After a brief period of depression, Uncle Sam joined another World War in 1941, after Japan looked at him funny at a bar in Pearl Harbor. In the biggest dick move of his midlife crisis, Sam got even with Japan by dropping atomic bombs on the cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, obliterating them into a fine radioactive powder and killing over 200,000 people. Even Sam himself had to admit that this was a pretty serious dick move.
Feuding with the next door neighbor
With a few victories under his belt, Uncle Sam moved to the suburbs to live the American Dick Dream with a white picket fence, two cars in the garage, and no black people to be seen for miles. The only problem Sam had was with his neighbor to the west, Russia, in whom he had met his dick match.
Ever since Uncle Sam dropped the bomb, he started acting like a total dick to all his other neighbors—carving up the world into a bunch of new countries, starting various world organizations that he unofficially controlled, talking everyone into buying all the junk he manufactured, and making everyone listen to his loud rock n’ roll music. But neighbor Russia, also in possession of the bomb, wanted nothing to do with Sam’s favorite export: capitalism. Russia preferred a different economic system based on waiting in long lines for items the country didn’t have enough of, like food.
In a classic case of keeping up with the Joneskis, Sam and Russia each kept passive-aggressively buying more and more nuclear weapons until each was capable of destroying the other 100 times over. Rather than openly fighting each other, they instead took sides in fights that other neighbors were already having. This dick bickering (“dickering?”) escalated until the 1980's when Russia ran out of money. Uncle Sam, on the other hand, celebrated his victory by snorting cocaine and having frequent casual sex at disco clubs.
Easing into retirement
Once AIDS showed up on the scene, Uncle Sam began to calm down with the partying. Having recently celebrated his bicentennial, Sam retired from actually manufacturing stuff, and instead began a leisurely life of consumption. He bought food, houses, cars, yachts, electronics equipment, invested in technology, and reaped the benefit of his decades in the work force.
As old people often do, Uncle Sam has also stopped caring about things. His once hardworking male children have become video game playing, iPod listening slackers who spend more of their time online than in the real world. His once pure and virtuous female children now have tattoos on their vaginas and make out with each other at parties for attention. His once top-notch entertainment industry now pumps out mindless reality programs where people pretend to fall in love with former celebrities and game shows where people eat snails and/or feces.
Enjoying his golden years, however, hasn’t precluded Uncle Sam from being a dick. Even in retirement, he has still managed to start two simultaneous wars, one under false pretenses, the other fought half-assedly. And like any crotchety old dick, Uncle Sam doesn’t seem like he’ll ever die