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HUMOR:

These are a few of the things that make me laugh. Mostly this is the stuff I post on Facebook.. You can check me out there by using the link on my ‘Contact Me 'page'.

“Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger…”


I took a personality test on the inter-net. It said "describe yourself in one word". I answered "not good at following instructions"....


ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ


I had the right to remain silent, I just didn’t have the ability.


A friend just sent me a text and asked, "What does 'idk' mean?". I replied "I don't know" and she text back "OMG! Nobody does."


I was thinking that just once I would like to see a liars pants ACTUALLY catch fire


I have discovered: Good things may come to those who wait, but they seem to come a lot sooner if you go out looking for them...


I was told this weekend (by someone I respect) that my brain is like GOD:
It works in mysterious ways, no one really understands it, and people debate over whether or not it actually exists....

I went to traffic court yesterday. The Judge asked me how I wanted to plead and then said: "Remember, The mightiest of weapons is the truth." I looked up at him and said "Well then, your honor, since you’re not permitted to enter a Government building with a weapon, I'll just pay the fine."
Evidently, Fine's get doubled for sarcasm....


I am NOT crazy! Just ask my toaster...


I think stupidity should be painful...


So, my washing machine broke down and I had to go to a laundromat last night. It's been a while since I've been to one so I figured I would just follow the directions on the machine and I would be fine. The sign said: "AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT."
YEAH RIGHT! Turns out that's against the law...


I guess you could say my biggest problem is I don't finish anyth


I am thinking about creating a Facebook account with the name "Nobody". Why? So if I comment/like something, it'll say, “Nobody commented on your photo” or "Nobody liked your status”. Whaddya think?


I just realized that if we are what we eat... that makes me Fast, Cheap and Easy.


I am pleased to report that after many years of advance study and countless hours of research and investigation, I have determined that “Normal” is nothing more than a setting on washing machines…


I have a question: Facebook asks me “what's on my mind“. Twitter asks me “what I'm doing“. Foursquare asks “where I am“. When did the internet turn into one of my crazy ex-girlfriends?


I had a super busy day yesterday converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.


"On the 7th day, God reached for his keyboard and pushed CTRL+ALT+SMITE and started over from scratch..."
...some day’s I wish I could do the same...


I want to remind you to make sure that you always give 100% at work. I usually use this formula: 13% Monday, 22% Tuesday, 35% Wednesday, 26% Thursday, and 4% Friday. Saturdays are extra credit...


I just saw a sign while waiting in line at the pharmacy that said; "1 out of 3 people who start smoking will eventually die."

The other two apparently become immortal.


I am letting you know that due to a shortage of great leaders, I have decided to follow myself.


I was thinking: that if all of us smokers were laid end to end around the planet... Three quarters of us would drown.


I was convinced recently to try Yoga but decided to quit. I find stress much less boring.


1f y0u c4n r34d 7h15, y0u r34||y n33d 70 637 |41D...!!!


Dear bed, OK. I was wrong. I'm sorry I left you this morning. Please.. Pleeaase.. Puh-leeeze, take me back. I promise not to do it again. Sincerely, Me


I want you to know: I'm not so much "weird" as I am "limited edition".


I decided it was time to burn a few calories.... So I lit a fat kid on fire.


I would like to clear something up:


Anyone who says an "onion" is the only vegetable that will make you cry... has never been hit in the face with a pumpkin.


Dear Shakespeare,
Poetic talent is easy to fake when thy sentence doth no freaking sense make.
Sincerely,
Me


I was just thinking that it would be so much easier for me to be compassionate, IF compassionate meant smacking people upside the head… Is this so wrong?

Eric Kiser is bored... I'm thinking of dressing up like "Death" and cruising a few old folks homes. That could be interesting...


I am stating for the record: If idiots could fly, my office would be an airport!


Eric Kiser was trying to explain… hmm… “Ex” Plane. I used to have my own Airplane. Not having one anymore really drives me “Crazy“. Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me up in a round room and told me to sit in the corner. Corner? I couldn't find the d**n corner! That really bugged me. Bugs? I hate bugs. They drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once. Let me explain….


I love short stories. The end.


I was thinking: Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with "tramp stamp" tattoos? I could have happily lived out the rest of my life without that "visual".

I firmly believe the I am NOT "totally useless"! I can be used as a bad example.


I realized this morning why I like to stop the microwave with only 1 second to go. It makes me feel like a Bomb Diffusion Expert.


I got a new Laptop and during setup I named my hard drive "That Thang", so once a month my computer asks me if I want to "Back That Thang Up".

Don't call me a Nerd. I prefer the term "intellectual bad-ass."


If a cop stops me and says "papers" and I say "scissors".... do I win?


Today's subliminal thought is:


I lost my Mood ring. I'm not quite sure how I feel about that...


I was trying to explain to a friend that Procrastination is a lot like Masturbation -
It feels great... until you realize you have only f****d yourself!


I read today that apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. OK, there are 5 people in my family. So one of them must be Chinese, right?

Let's see... It's either my Mom or my Dad. My older sister Karen. Or my younger brother Wong Chan-Ho.

Personally, I think it's Karen.


I have been blessed with the heart of a small child. I keep it in a jar of formaldehyde on the corner of my desk....

  

I wanted to let you know: Jesus said : "Come forth and receive eternal life."

I came in third and won a toaster!


I want to know if anyone else thinks that Pickles are nothing more than cucumbers soaked in Evil?


I have C.D.O. - it's just like O.C.D... Only the letters are in alphabetical order. Like their supposed to be.


I need some help to settle a disagreement: A good friend of mine 'claims' that you need a parachute to skydive. I say 'Not True'.

That you only need a parachute to skydive TWICE.


I like this joke:

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out... The egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered that question"

 

I just had a random thought: If '...anything I say will be held against me...' I have just one word for you - "Breasts"


I just read that Chocolate(yes! Chocolate) has now been found to cause cancer in laboratory bred white mice.

For the record, so has saccharin, asbestos, cigarettes, betel nuts, coffee, deodorants, diesel fuel, ex-lax, fluoridated water, hair dyes, hydrogen peroxide, lead, lack of exercise, magnetic fields, marijuana, microwave ovens, mobile phones, nitrates, nutra-sweet, olive oil, ozone, oysters, pesticides, PCB's, plastics, radio waves, roundup weed killer, red meat, shellfish, soy sauce, sunlight, sun screen, talc, toasters, UV rays, vinyl, vegetables, wallpaper adhesives, well water and x-rays.

Has anyone stopped to consider that maybe cancer is an inherent characteristic of laboratory bred white mice?

 

I also read that Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

 

I was just thinking that it would be so much easier for me to be compassionate, IF compassionate meant smacking people upside the head… Is this so wrong?


I’m kind of amazed at the reports of airline crash victims who are so badly mutilated that they can only be identified by their dental records. What I don't get is: if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

 

I want to share something I learned today: You should never, ever say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

Trust me...


I was thinking if you’re thinking what I'm thinking that I think you're thinking, I'm thinking that if you think that I think what I think I'm thinking then we've got a problem?

I didn’t think so...


I am frustrated and here's why: I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's NO WAY Paper can beat Rock. What? Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Then why can't Paper do this to Scissors? Forget about Scissors, why can't Paper do this to people? Why isn't notebook paper constantly suffocating students all over the world while they take notes in class? I'll tell you why: because Paper can't beat anybody! A Rock would tear Paper up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose Rock. Then when somebody claims to beat me with their Paper, I punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought your 'Paper' would protect you."


I need to vent...

We always hear "the rules" of relationships from the female side. Well, I feel pretty strongly that we guys should state, for the record, the rules from the male side. (yeah, I'm gonna speak for all of us)

Please note ... these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, putt down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. "Yes", and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In act, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do I.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this; Yeah, I know if I was in a relationship right now I'd probably be sleeping on the couch tonight. But I'll bet you didn't know that we really don't mind doing that. It's like camping.

Anyway, like I said, I just needed to vent.

 

I realized today that I'm really only functioning with two basic emotions: I'm either 'Hungry' or 'Horny'. Piece of advice: If you see me without an erection, make me a sandwich.


HUMOR